Why are you single?

... Is what my mother asks me everyday. Haha just kidding. Only every few days because that's how often I call.

But seriously, sometimes people ask me this. Which is odd. But whatever. Let me just put it out there and try to answer it by posting this aim conversation I just had with my friend.

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Me: wat happened to that chick u met at the outdoor movies while u were ridiculously drunk?

Him: hahahah, i didnt meet her there, i brought her there. we dont talk anymore. i was talking to this other chick (guess i still am) but she's not really my type

Me: why isnt she your type?

Him: i dont know. i guess no substance... i sound like a jerk saying that but we didn't have much to talk about. she really didn't even like to talk that much, which is cool but gets old quick

Me: u dont sound like a jerk, she sounds lame lol if u have nothing to talk about, its pointless

Him: exactly

Me: i had a dream about my ex last night... that we were still together.... it was a nightmare lol... i woke up and was like WHEW

Him: hahaha, that's funny. have you not had a boyfriend since him

Me: no i havent. its been like a year. i dont want a boyfriend... and i hate when ppl ask me why i dont have one lol its like wtf i dont know i dont like anybody... im not getting into another relationship until i REALLY REALLY like someone so much that im willing to do that

Him: wow...look at you. i expected you to be in love in a week

Me: why???? lol ive dated but meh

Him: i dont know... yeah i feel ya

Me: ur dumb lol

Him: i know i wont get into one until i'm where i wanna be. as a wise man once said...fuck bitches, get money....thank you 2 pac

Me: lol wat a dick... i dont want to wait for where i want to be...cuz who knows how long that will take, it just has to be the right person... not some schmuck

Him: schmuck...only girls like you run into "schmucks"

Me: i hate u

Him: hehehehe, cause i'm not a schmuck, i understand
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And then me and this guy fell in love. THE END.

Just kidding.

Dear Diary

The following are excerpts from my diary when I was 13 years old. Some of this is pretty embarrassing, but I thought it was too silly and ridiculous to not share with you guys. I really thought I was smarter at that age than it seems. Damn it... I'm probably not as smart as I think I am now... Damn it!

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Warning on the front of the diary - 

"Dear Readers,

If any friend or relative reads this I will NEVER FORGIVE YOU!!! (Unless you have my permission).

Sincerely,

Me (Denise)"

July 1st

"Dear Diary,

Today was really boring."

July 9th

"Dear Diary,

I am really bored."

July 11th

"Dear Diary,

Today the only interesting thing that happened was I talked to my friends. I sat on my porch with Ali, Thomas and Steven. I don't think Steven likes his girlfriend anymore. I think he likes me, and I like him. He asked me to go to the movies with him tomorrow."

July 12th

"Dear Diary,

Me and Steven didn't go to the movies. Instead we talked for hours on my porch. I really like him. He said he is going to dump his girlfriend. I don't blame him, he said she has no personality"

July 20th

"Dear Diary,

I don't like Steven anymore. Today my dad took me, Mary and my brother to six flags. It was a lot of fun. A lot more fun than when I went to six flags with Irina. She's a bitch."

September 12th

"Dear Diary, 

Wow! I went to three concerts! I went to a Celine Dion concert (it was great!) I went to TWO Backstreet Boy concerts! Isn't that great? Mary took me to one and bought me a poster. I went to the other one with my family upstate. Mary took 107 pictures of the concert. She is making doubles and giving them to me."

September 28th

"Dear Diary,

I have been writing songs for the band me and Mary put together. Last Saturday we went to Cara's birthday party and met this girl Jenna. She can really sing! We're gonna let her join the band. We're thinking about calling ourselves "Generation Girlz". We have to make a schedule for practicing and we have to make a demo. 

I also like Mike L. now.

P.S. Mary's Backstreet Boy pictures came out great!"

October 10th

"Dear Diary,

I don't like Mike L. anymore. I like this guy Jack. He's soooooooo funny. But he's short. Oh well."

October 30th

"Dear Diary,

I'm going out with this guy Josh. That's great but I'm punished and confined to my room for the rest of my life. Tomorrow is Mara's party (Josh will be there) but I can't go. This sux!"

Dec 1st,

"Dear Diary,

That's it. It's over. Yep, that's right. Me and Josh, over. He doesn't like me anymore. He sent Mara to dump me (ouch). This really sux cuz next week is my party. Josh is still coming. I still like him :("

Dec 9th,

"Dear Diary,

My party was pretty fun. It had downsides and very upsides. At first Josh was hanging out with Ariel a lot. They were sitting together and everything. But in the end of the party Josh told me he still likes me and we kissed! It was great, but then Ariel ran away crying. I went to go apologize and comfort her. But I'm still happy about Josh. I'm going to hangout with him in Rockaway tomorrow"

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Okay. That is all I will expose you to. I think you get the idea. I was basically retarded. Or at least somewhat challenged. And apparently a complete hobag.

I Love You L.A. ... You Sexy Bitch

Home sweet home. The land of pollution, overcrowdedness, and rude people. Los Angeles. Or New York. That sentence fits both places and both places I consider home. And after this road trip, I decided those are the only two places in America that I will ever live in. No offense other cities, you're cool and all, but I think we both know it wouldn't work out.

The Results:

Longest Drive - Oregon to Idaho
Shortest Drive - Phoenix to LA (purposely planned)

Best Food - New Orleans
Worse Food - Kansas City

Best Scenery - California and Virginia (because of the fall trees)
Worst Scenery - New Mexico

Met the most random people in - Georgia
Kept to myself the most in - Texas

Most Religious - Salt Lake City
The Opposite - New Orleans

Worst Drivers - Georgia and Florida
Best Drivers - Most of the middle states were filled with courteous drivers.

Sexiest People - Denver
Um... Most Unique Looking People - South Carolina

Best Stop Overall - New Orleans
Worst Stop Overall - South Carolina

Hosts:

JoshSource (San Francisco) - Best hair cut! And best gossip talks :)

CameronM82 (Oregon) - Coldest house! Best hippie breakfast place. Mmm organic apple juice.

ShayCarl & Katilette (Idaho) - Coziest setup. Also, best kids! And best workout (Katilette kicked my butt).

BrettTheIntern (Illinois) - Sexiest Frat house!

My friend Melissa (Michigan) - Cutest pet :) and best sharing of memories.

RyanShw (Virginia/Washington, D.C.) - Best tour guide!

My friend Stephanie (Florida) - Hottest house of lesbians!

And that's all I have to say for now.

I'm Not Insane... I Only Murdered ONE Person!

Aim convo with my friend...

Jarrett: Hey, are you still on your road trip?

Me: Yeah, but I go home tomorrow. I'm glad, I'm done with this trip now. It's been a month now.

Jarrett: That's a long time. You miss being home?

Me: Yeah I've been ready to go home the past 2 days.
I miss my apartment, my cat and my friends.

Jarrett: Wait... I thought you were with friends on this trip?

Me: No, I went alone. And I'm glad I did.

Jarrett: Oh shit that's brutal! All alone?

Me: Mhmm.

Jarrett: At this point you might be insane and I don't even know it!

Me: :::shifty eyes:::

So Here I Am

Current Location: Texas, somewhere between Houston and San Antonio ... I forgot the name of this town and I'm too lazy to get up and look at the stationary. Deal with it.

WARNING: Prepare yourself for an emo blog!

Well, not too emo... I don't think I'm capable. Gah I hate that word... emo... makes me cringe.

So...

It's 3:20am my time... well not MY time... Texas time. This time belongs to Texas. Not me. My time is 2:20am.

Anyway.

I'm laying here in bed and just staring at the ceiling. A million thoughts run through my mind. I can't fall asleep. Probably because every time I close my eyes I see streets and headlights coming at me and I jump up in a cold sweat because I feel like I fell asleep behind the wheel. Well, that's only part of the reasoning.

The entire day I've been feeling anxious and couldn't put my finger on the reason.

Was it because of the super creepy haunted tour I took of New Orleans? No... that was AWESOME! Even though it gave me nightmares... yes, yes I'm a child.

Was it because I've been pretty much completely alone for the past 3 days in a row and will continue to be alone for the next few days? Nah, being alone is fine by me.

Was it because the 7+ hrs of driving a day, forcing me to have withdrawals from my serious internet addiction? No, I don't think so... but I wouldn't doubt that it contributed.

It's because I realize my trip is coming to an end. I will be home by Friday, if not earlier. While I'm happy to be returning home to my own bed, my friends and my cat... I feel a deep sense of disappointment.

I'm not disappointed in the trip or even in the conclusion of the trip, but I'm disappointed in myself and my behavior on this trip.

Initially this trip was intended to be a "writers journey". I have not written one fucking thing.

Wait, no... I wrote YouTube videos.

I love YouTube and I love making videos. But honestly, this wasn't supposed to be a "YouTube Tour". That's what it turned into. I let it become that.

Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed meeting fellow YouTubers and making videos along the way... but where was my head!? Surely I could've found SOME time to dedicate to writing.

For God sakes, I barely even wrote in my stupid friggen blog!

I feel like a fucking moron.

The only thing that keeps me from seeing myself as a complete fail is the fact that I still have all the inspiration in me. I held onto everything I've taken in on this trip. I don't know if that makes sense to everyone that's reading this... but it only matters that it makes sense to me.

So... in order to ease my anxiety and help me feel a bit better about myself, I decided that as soon as I get back to LA I'm taking a whole week off from the internet. That means no checking mail, twitter, myspace, youtube, facebook, yatti yatti yatta.

I'm also forbidding myself from writing, shooting and editing videos for YouTube.

I'm not even going to talk to people I know from the internet on the phone. This is to insure that I won't be tempted to sign on to see something that "I just HAVE to see".

This might seem simple enough to the ordinary human being... but to me, and many people I know, this is going to be DIFFICULT.

I need to do this. I will use that week to clear my mind and get my priorities straight.

Don't miss me too much! Ha... you won't even notice :P

Dad, No Dad, Seriously, Dad...

Current Location: Denver, Colorado

My dad called me tonight. It's the first time I've spoken to him since I started this road trip.

Mind you, I chose not to tell him I was driving cross country out of fear that he would worry too much. Also, I know he would be annoying about it. But at the same time I kind of want to tell him the truth. So I mix up lies and truth when I talk to him. It gets confusing.

The conversation went as follows:

Dad: Hey Denisey, I haven't heard from you in while.

Me: Sorry, I've been busy.

Dad: What are you doing? Are you home from San Francisco yet?

Me: No, not yet.

Dad: You're still there??

Me: No. I'm in Denver.

Dad: What? What the hell are you doing in Denver?

Me: I'm on a road trip.

Dad: What? Are you alone?

Me: No, I'm with my friend Jill.

Dad: Who's Jill?

Me: You don't know her, she's from L.A.

Dad: How far are you going?

Me: Umm, St.Louis.

Dad: St. Louis? Just you and your friend?

Me: Yep. Just me and Jennifer.

Dad: I thought her name was Jill.

Me: Uh. It is. Her last name is Jennifer. Jill Jennifer.

Dad: Denise...

Me: Dad...

Dad: How far are you going?

Me: Texas. Mexico. Hawaii.

Dad: What?

Me: Virginia.

Dad: DENISE!

Me: Yes?

Dad: What about work? Are you looking for a new job?

Me: Daaaaaad I told you I'm bartending while I find writing gigs.

Dad: Denise, you need a real job with benefits and...

Me: Daaaaaaaad... this is why I don't tell you stuff. I'm tired.

Dad: What are you doing out there Denise?

Me: I'm going to sleep. That's what I'm doing. Goodnight.

Dad: WAIT! Your mother wants to talk to you.

Me: Sigh.

And repeat.

P.S. Denver is lovely :)

Naked Boys In San Francisco

Current Location: Eugene, Oregon

It's cold. I guess not VERY cold... but to someone that has gotten very used to 80 degrees daily, it's very cold. I type this as I sit here wearing my sweater, my friend Cameron's sweater over my sweater, and a blanket wrapped around me.

I'm just kind of waiting for my friend to wake up so we can start the day. That's the only problem with crashing at peoples houses along the way... once I get to the location, I'm no longer independently deciding when and what to do. Meh, I guess it's a small price to pay for a free bed and food. Plus it's nice to have a little company along the way.

I must say, I'm really enjoying the drives alone. I was very concerned I would get lonely, tired, and restless. I've been totally fine. More than fine, I've been really enjoying my drives.

I guess it's still a little too early to proclaim something like that, but so far so good. The solitude and lack of internet really gives me time to reflect and come to realizations.

For instance, on my first drive to San Francisco, about 3 hours into it I noticed something. I don't know about everybody else, but when I drive for a long period of time I basically just blast some music and then get lost in daydreams. I fantasize about the life that I want and a life that maybe one day I can have. Or I imagine a life I know I could never have.

So 3 hours into this drive I realized I wasn't daydreaming about things I didn't have or things I was unsure I could ever have. Instead, all I was thinking about was this trip I'm on and the adventures that are most likely ahead of me within it. This was amazing to realize because for the first time in possibly forever, my driving thoughts were based on my reality rather than a fantasy. This felt really good, and it made me realize I made the right choice by taking this "crazy" trip. I'm actually happy with my decisions at this present time... which is a rarity.

Aside from the mumbo jumbo... San Francisco was a lot of fun. It was awesome meeting JoshSource. He was everything I thought he was and I was super comfortable hanging out with him.

I was going to write more about San Francisco, but I've kind of tired myself out of writing at this point. Here's a quick summarized list of my experience:

- Parking was a bitch. I had to park about a mile away and take a bus back.
- The hills made me realize how super out of shape I am.
- We walked by a bar where a woman outside of it yelled "naked boy behind the bar". I thought she was just a drunk fool, but low and behold, inside the bar was a naked bartender. Hmm.
- A strange gay man walked up to Josh and I and told me I was "cool" because I have a gay friend. So there, at least I have that.
- Josh gave me a haircut that I LOVE!
- I had tons of fun making videos with Josh and ChristopherMast.

That's all for now. Damn it, Cameron still isn't up! Arg.