Why are you single?

... Is what my mother asks me everyday. Haha just kidding. Only every few days because that's how often I call.

But seriously, sometimes people ask me this. Which is odd. But whatever. Let me just put it out there and try to answer it by posting this aim conversation I just had with my friend.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: wat happened to that chick u met at the outdoor movies while u were ridiculously drunk?

Him: hahahah, i didnt meet her there, i brought her there. we dont talk anymore. i was talking to this other chick (guess i still am) but she's not really my type

Me: why isnt she your type?

Him: i dont know. i guess no substance... i sound like a jerk saying that but we didn't have much to talk about. she really didn't even like to talk that much, which is cool but gets old quick

Me: u dont sound like a jerk, she sounds lame lol if u have nothing to talk about, its pointless

Him: exactly

Me: i had a dream about my ex last night... that we were still together.... it was a nightmare lol... i woke up and was like WHEW

Him: hahaha, that's funny. have you not had a boyfriend since him

Me: no i havent. its been like a year. i dont want a boyfriend... and i hate when ppl ask me why i dont have one lol its like wtf i dont know i dont like anybody... im not getting into another relationship until i REALLY REALLY like someone so much that im willing to do that

Him: wow...look at you. i expected you to be in love in a week

Me: why???? lol ive dated but meh

Him: i dont know... yeah i feel ya

Me: ur dumb lol

Him: i know i wont get into one until i'm where i wanna be. as a wise man once said...fuck bitches, get money....thank you 2 pac

Me: lol wat a dick... i dont want to wait for where i want to be...cuz who knows how long that will take, it just has to be the right person... not some schmuck

Him: schmuck...only girls like you run into "schmucks"

Me: i hate u

Him: hehehehe, cause i'm not a schmuck, i understand
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And then me and this guy fell in love. THE END.

Just kidding.

Dear Diary

The following are excerpts from my diary when I was 13 years old. Some of this is pretty embarrassing, but I thought it was too silly and ridiculous to not share with you guys. I really thought I was smarter at that age than it seems. Damn it... I'm probably not as smart as I think I am now... Damn it!

--------------------------------------------------------

Warning on the front of the diary - 

"Dear Readers,

If any friend or relative reads this I will NEVER FORGIVE YOU!!! (Unless you have my permission).

Sincerely,

Me (Denise)"

July 1st

"Dear Diary,

Today was really boring."

July 9th

"Dear Diary,

I am really bored."

July 11th

"Dear Diary,

Today the only interesting thing that happened was I talked to my friends. I sat on my porch with Ali, Thomas and Steven. I don't think Steven likes his girlfriend anymore. I think he likes me, and I like him. He asked me to go to the movies with him tomorrow."

July 12th

"Dear Diary,

Me and Steven didn't go to the movies. Instead we talked for hours on my porch. I really like him. He said he is going to dump his girlfriend. I don't blame him, he said she has no personality"

July 20th

"Dear Diary,

I don't like Steven anymore. Today my dad took me, Mary and my brother to six flags. It was a lot of fun. A lot more fun than when I went to six flags with Irina. She's a bitch."

September 12th

"Dear Diary, 

Wow! I went to three concerts! I went to a Celine Dion concert (it was great!) I went to TWO Backstreet Boy concerts! Isn't that great? Mary took me to one and bought me a poster. I went to the other one with my family upstate. Mary took 107 pictures of the concert. She is making doubles and giving them to me."

September 28th

"Dear Diary,

I have been writing songs for the band me and Mary put together. Last Saturday we went to Cara's birthday party and met this girl Jenna. She can really sing! We're gonna let her join the band. We're thinking about calling ourselves "Generation Girlz". We have to make a schedule for practicing and we have to make a demo. 

I also like Mike L. now.

P.S. Mary's Backstreet Boy pictures came out great!"

October 10th

"Dear Diary,

I don't like Mike L. anymore. I like this guy Jack. He's soooooooo funny. But he's short. Oh well."

October 30th

"Dear Diary,

I'm going out with this guy Josh. That's great but I'm punished and confined to my room for the rest of my life. Tomorrow is Mara's party (Josh will be there) but I can't go. This sux!"

Dec 1st,

"Dear Diary,

That's it. It's over. Yep, that's right. Me and Josh, over. He doesn't like me anymore. He sent Mara to dump me (ouch). This really sux cuz next week is my party. Josh is still coming. I still like him :("

Dec 9th,

"Dear Diary,

My party was pretty fun. It had downsides and very upsides. At first Josh was hanging out with Ariel a lot. They were sitting together and everything. But in the end of the party Josh told me he still likes me and we kissed! It was great, but then Ariel ran away crying. I went to go apologize and comfort her. But I'm still happy about Josh. I'm going to hangout with him in Rockaway tomorrow"

-------------------------------------------------------

Okay. That is all I will expose you to. I think you get the idea. I was basically retarded. Or at least somewhat challenged. And apparently a complete hobag.

I Love You L.A. ... You Sexy Bitch

Home sweet home. The land of pollution, overcrowdedness, and rude people. Los Angeles. Or New York. That sentence fits both places and both places I consider home. And after this road trip, I decided those are the only two places in America that I will ever live in. No offense other cities, you're cool and all, but I think we both know it wouldn't work out.

The Results:

Longest Drive - Oregon to Idaho
Shortest Drive - Phoenix to LA (purposely planned)

Best Food - New Orleans
Worse Food - Kansas City

Best Scenery - California and Virginia (because of the fall trees)
Worst Scenery - New Mexico

Met the most random people in - Georgia
Kept to myself the most in - Texas

Most Religious - Salt Lake City
The Opposite - New Orleans

Worst Drivers - Georgia and Florida
Best Drivers - Most of the middle states were filled with courteous drivers.

Sexiest People - Denver
Um... Most Unique Looking People - South Carolina

Best Stop Overall - New Orleans
Worst Stop Overall - South Carolina

Hosts:

JoshSource (San Francisco) - Best hair cut! And best gossip talks :)

CameronM82 (Oregon) - Coldest house! Best hippie breakfast place. Mmm organic apple juice.

ShayCarl & Katilette (Idaho) - Coziest setup. Also, best kids! And best workout (Katilette kicked my butt).

BrettTheIntern (Illinois) - Sexiest Frat house!

My friend Melissa (Michigan) - Cutest pet :) and best sharing of memories.

RyanShw (Virginia/Washington, D.C.) - Best tour guide!

My friend Stephanie (Florida) - Hottest house of lesbians!

And that's all I have to say for now.

I'm Not Insane... I Only Murdered ONE Person!

Aim convo with my friend...

Jarrett: Hey, are you still on your road trip?

Me: Yeah, but I go home tomorrow. I'm glad, I'm done with this trip now. It's been a month now.

Jarrett: That's a long time. You miss being home?

Me: Yeah I've been ready to go home the past 2 days.
I miss my apartment, my cat and my friends.

Jarrett: Wait... I thought you were with friends on this trip?

Me: No, I went alone. And I'm glad I did.

Jarrett: Oh shit that's brutal! All alone?

Me: Mhmm.

Jarrett: At this point you might be insane and I don't even know it!

Me: :::shifty eyes:::

So Here I Am

Current Location: Texas, somewhere between Houston and San Antonio ... I forgot the name of this town and I'm too lazy to get up and look at the stationary. Deal with it.

WARNING: Prepare yourself for an emo blog!

Well, not too emo... I don't think I'm capable. Gah I hate that word... emo... makes me cringe.

So...

It's 3:20am my time... well not MY time... Texas time. This time belongs to Texas. Not me. My time is 2:20am.

Anyway.

I'm laying here in bed and just staring at the ceiling. A million thoughts run through my mind. I can't fall asleep. Probably because every time I close my eyes I see streets and headlights coming at me and I jump up in a cold sweat because I feel like I fell asleep behind the wheel. Well, that's only part of the reasoning.

The entire day I've been feeling anxious and couldn't put my finger on the reason.

Was it because of the super creepy haunted tour I took of New Orleans? No... that was AWESOME! Even though it gave me nightmares... yes, yes I'm a child.

Was it because I've been pretty much completely alone for the past 3 days in a row and will continue to be alone for the next few days? Nah, being alone is fine by me.

Was it because the 7+ hrs of driving a day, forcing me to have withdrawals from my serious internet addiction? No, I don't think so... but I wouldn't doubt that it contributed.

It's because I realize my trip is coming to an end. I will be home by Friday, if not earlier. While I'm happy to be returning home to my own bed, my friends and my cat... I feel a deep sense of disappointment.

I'm not disappointed in the trip or even in the conclusion of the trip, but I'm disappointed in myself and my behavior on this trip.

Initially this trip was intended to be a "writers journey". I have not written one fucking thing.

Wait, no... I wrote YouTube videos.

I love YouTube and I love making videos. But honestly, this wasn't supposed to be a "YouTube Tour". That's what it turned into. I let it become that.

Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed meeting fellow YouTubers and making videos along the way... but where was my head!? Surely I could've found SOME time to dedicate to writing.

For God sakes, I barely even wrote in my stupid friggen blog!

I feel like a fucking moron.

The only thing that keeps me from seeing myself as a complete fail is the fact that I still have all the inspiration in me. I held onto everything I've taken in on this trip. I don't know if that makes sense to everyone that's reading this... but it only matters that it makes sense to me.

So... in order to ease my anxiety and help me feel a bit better about myself, I decided that as soon as I get back to LA I'm taking a whole week off from the internet. That means no checking mail, twitter, myspace, youtube, facebook, yatti yatti yatta.

I'm also forbidding myself from writing, shooting and editing videos for YouTube.

I'm not even going to talk to people I know from the internet on the phone. This is to insure that I won't be tempted to sign on to see something that "I just HAVE to see".

This might seem simple enough to the ordinary human being... but to me, and many people I know, this is going to be DIFFICULT.

I need to do this. I will use that week to clear my mind and get my priorities straight.

Don't miss me too much! Ha... you won't even notice :P

Dad, No Dad, Seriously, Dad...

Current Location: Denver, Colorado

My dad called me tonight. It's the first time I've spoken to him since I started this road trip.

Mind you, I chose not to tell him I was driving cross country out of fear that he would worry too much. Also, I know he would be annoying about it. But at the same time I kind of want to tell him the truth. So I mix up lies and truth when I talk to him. It gets confusing.

The conversation went as follows:

Dad: Hey Denisey, I haven't heard from you in while.

Me: Sorry, I've been busy.

Dad: What are you doing? Are you home from San Francisco yet?

Me: No, not yet.

Dad: You're still there??

Me: No. I'm in Denver.

Dad: What? What the hell are you doing in Denver?

Me: I'm on a road trip.

Dad: What? Are you alone?

Me: No, I'm with my friend Jill.

Dad: Who's Jill?

Me: You don't know her, she's from L.A.

Dad: How far are you going?

Me: Umm, St.Louis.

Dad: St. Louis? Just you and your friend?

Me: Yep. Just me and Jennifer.

Dad: I thought her name was Jill.

Me: Uh. It is. Her last name is Jennifer. Jill Jennifer.

Dad: Denise...

Me: Dad...

Dad: How far are you going?

Me: Texas. Mexico. Hawaii.

Dad: What?

Me: Virginia.

Dad: DENISE!

Me: Yes?

Dad: What about work? Are you looking for a new job?

Me: Daaaaaad I told you I'm bartending while I find writing gigs.

Dad: Denise, you need a real job with benefits and...

Me: Daaaaaaaad... this is why I don't tell you stuff. I'm tired.

Dad: What are you doing out there Denise?

Me: I'm going to sleep. That's what I'm doing. Goodnight.

Dad: WAIT! Your mother wants to talk to you.

Me: Sigh.

And repeat.

P.S. Denver is lovely :)

Naked Boys In San Francisco

Current Location: Eugene, Oregon

It's cold. I guess not VERY cold... but to someone that has gotten very used to 80 degrees daily, it's very cold. I type this as I sit here wearing my sweater, my friend Cameron's sweater over my sweater, and a blanket wrapped around me.

I'm just kind of waiting for my friend to wake up so we can start the day. That's the only problem with crashing at peoples houses along the way... once I get to the location, I'm no longer independently deciding when and what to do. Meh, I guess it's a small price to pay for a free bed and food. Plus it's nice to have a little company along the way.

I must say, I'm really enjoying the drives alone. I was very concerned I would get lonely, tired, and restless. I've been totally fine. More than fine, I've been really enjoying my drives.

I guess it's still a little too early to proclaim something like that, but so far so good. The solitude and lack of internet really gives me time to reflect and come to realizations.

For instance, on my first drive to San Francisco, about 3 hours into it I noticed something. I don't know about everybody else, but when I drive for a long period of time I basically just blast some music and then get lost in daydreams. I fantasize about the life that I want and a life that maybe one day I can have. Or I imagine a life I know I could never have.

So 3 hours into this drive I realized I wasn't daydreaming about things I didn't have or things I was unsure I could ever have. Instead, all I was thinking about was this trip I'm on and the adventures that are most likely ahead of me within it. This was amazing to realize because for the first time in possibly forever, my driving thoughts were based on my reality rather than a fantasy. This felt really good, and it made me realize I made the right choice by taking this "crazy" trip. I'm actually happy with my decisions at this present time... which is a rarity.

Aside from the mumbo jumbo... San Francisco was a lot of fun. It was awesome meeting JoshSource. He was everything I thought he was and I was super comfortable hanging out with him.

I was going to write more about San Francisco, but I've kind of tired myself out of writing at this point. Here's a quick summarized list of my experience:

- Parking was a bitch. I had to park about a mile away and take a bus back.
- The hills made me realize how super out of shape I am.
- We walked by a bar where a woman outside of it yelled "naked boy behind the bar". I thought she was just a drunk fool, but low and behold, inside the bar was a naked bartender. Hmm.
- A strange gay man walked up to Josh and I and told me I was "cool" because I have a gay friend. So there, at least I have that.
- Josh gave me a haircut that I LOVE!
- I had tons of fun making videos with Josh and ChristopherMast.

That's all for now. Damn it, Cameron still isn't up! Arg.

Around The World, Around The World

... or just around America. Whatever. Same diff. Only not really.

Anyway.

Tomorrow I begin an epic trip. A writers adventure. A YouTubers journey. The ultimate dorky excursion.

I'm driving cross country... and back. And I'm doing it alone. By choice. I have friends, I swear... really!

"You're going... ALONE?"

"Is that safe?"

"Can I come!?!?"

This is just something that I've always wanted to do. Ever since I decided I wanted to be a writer. I would fantasize about traveling the world and just taking in everything around me as I write my pathetic little heart away. These fantasies never really included the company of another... it just wouldn't be the same if I wasn't in solitude during these travels.

So... it begins now. Well, tomorrow if we're being technical.

It starts with America. Across and back. Easy enough.

Originally this was just going to be a "writer" thing, but shortly after declaring my plans for travel, some awesome YouTube friends chimed in and offered me a place to stay as I'm passing through.

This will inevitably result in a collection of colorful collabs and blogtv shows :)

As of right now, I'm officially staying with the following people:

(in order of appearance on my travel timeline)

Josh
http://www.youtube.com/joshsource

Cameron
http://www.youtube.com/cameronm82

JP will be joining Cameron and I
http://www.youtube.com/pdxvlog

Shay
http://www.youtube.com/shaycarl

Brett
http://www.youtube.com/Bretttheintern

Josh (Empty)
http://www.youtube.com/emptysawesome
http://www.youtube.com/emptyisawesome

Ryan
http://www.youtube.com/ryanshw

Thank you so much to all of you guys for giving me a place to stay and some company along the way! Look forward to some possibly amusing collabs with them!

If anyone else would like to meet up or whatever... drop me a line and maybe we can make it happen.

I will updating my youtube channel and blog as often as possible along the way. For now, I need to finish packing...

America, I'm gonna make you my bitch.

Day 10 - Kiss My Ass

"Are you fucking crazy?"

"Are you dead yet?"

"I bet you look all anemic and shit."

"I'm going to laugh when you die from starvation."

Day 10, bitch. What now, huh? What now you non-believer!

Am I dead? No. Did I pass out? No. Did I turn into a lemon/lime creature? Maybe. Wait, wait... no.

I feel good. I feel proud. I feel in control.

You would think at this point I would be so thrilled and excited to begin eating again tomorrow. Honestly, I'm pretty neutral about it. 

The cravings completely disappeared yesterday. I didn't think about food at all again today. I'm sure I'll be happy to have food once I have it again, but I'm not dying for it like I was a few days ago. Odd.

Tomorrow I'm allowed to eat fruits and vegetables only. I'm fine with that. I stocked up on some bananas, grapes, plums, carrots and broccoli. Hooray vegan day!

Weight Loss: 11 lbs

Hunger: None.

Emotions/State of Mind: Normal.

Daydream Food of The Day: None.

Day 9 - Fast - I Bet I Can Last Longer Than 10 Days

Today I felt completely normal in every way. Actually, I probably felt better than normal.

After lunch, the girl sitting in the cubicle next to mine was going on and on about how she didn't feel well and how she was tired and blah blah blah. I was thinking that I'M the one that should be feeling like that, right? I mean... I've always thought no food = sick, weak and tired. Somehow this was not the case.

I started drinking orange juice today and am officially done with the lemon/lime crap. I was a bit nervous that the transition would be painful or have some sort of negative effect. Nope, I was fine.

I took a moment and thought to myself,"I have not eaten in 9 days. I HAVE NOT EATEN IN 9 DAYS! How is this humanly possible?"

I cut myself to make sure I was still human. I was worried lemon/lime juice would start bleeding out of me... but no, still blood.

Of course I didn't cut myself, you silly nilly!

But seriously, I honestly don't understand how I could be feeling this normal after 9 days of not eating. Oh well, whateves. :::shrugs:::

Not only am I alive and well... but I had no cravings today. I didn't fantasize about food. Which was odd.

My office manager bought pizza for everyone. When offered, I declined. Obviously because of the fast. Who the hell declines free food?

But the amazing part of this was that when I declined the pizza, I was totally cool with it. I didn't have this longing "if it wasn't for this damn fast I could eat that" kind of feeling that I had been experiencing for most of this endeavor.

I'm very happy about that because it leads me to believe that I will really be able to make some changes to the way I eat. Let's hope.

Weight Loss: 10 lbs
Hunger: None.
Emotions/State of Mind: Normal, if not better.
Daydream Food of The Day: None! WTF?

Day 8 - Fast - Goodbye Lemon/Lime Crap & Hello Orange Juice!

Today was my last day consuming lemon/lime juice. For the next two days... the last two days of my fast (YES!)... I will be drinking orange juice in preparation for eating solid food.

I must say, day 8 was a piece of cake. Mmmm cake :::drool:::

No but seriously, today was probably the easiest day by far. Even easier than the weekend when all I did was go to the grocery store (for limes and orange juice), go online, and sleep.

I felt energized, healthy, and happy. I even got complimented on the "glow" of my complexion today. Which I loved since I'm sure anyone reading this is assuming I'm pale with dark circles under my eyes and ready to pass out at any given moment.

For any of you that are going to take this on... I'll have you know - day 8 is smooth sailing.

I still fantasize about food though. Food is my lover.




Weight Loss: 10 lbs
Hunger: Not even a little bit.
Emotions/Mental State: Good as any other day. The only things bringing me down were the norm... such as my job.
Daydream Food of The Day: Anything cheesy and delicious!!! MmMmMm

Day 7 - Fast - Still Not Dead! Yay!

It is officially an entire week since I began this fast. I kind of can't believe it. Of course I have been committed to completing this fast... and many other people have done this before... but I couldn't really SEE myself not eating for this long of a period. But here I am... with not a single piece of food in my tummy for a whole week straight.

Some people have been inquiring if I've "cheated" at all. I won't lie, I've been tempted. There were times that I would tell myself a few little crackers won't hurt anyone, no one will know! Someone would've known... me. And really that's all that matters.

Fasting over the weekend was a bit easier than fasting at work. I guess because my job makes my day go by painfully slow... with or without food.

Just a few more days to go! Amazing.

Weight Loss: 8 lbs
Hunger: A few moments of hunger through the day... okay for the majority.
Emotions/State of Mind: Felt really good today.
Daydream Food of The Day: Mozzarella sticks! Yum. And mmm.

Fast - Day 6 - Limes FTW

Today I woke up and I'll be honest... I felt pretty weak. It was the weakest I've felt since I began this fast. I realized it was because I didn't drink enough juice yesterday. The reason behind this is... I'm friggen sick of lemon juice! So sue me.

Apparently, you can also make the juice with limes. So I went to the supermarket and picked up some limes. 

Sigh, the supermarket smelled so beautiful. This heightened sense of smell thing is pretty cool.

I decided I will be drinking lime rather than lemon juice for the remainder of this fast. It was so much better! But who knows, maybe that's because I'm just so sick of lemons at this moment.

ALSO - I've made a slight alteration to the way the 10 day fast is SUPPOSED to be played out. After the 10 days you need to only drink orange juice for 2 more days without food, in order to prepare your body to process solid food again. Then on the third day you're only supposed to eat fresh fruit and vegetables in order to get your system running again.

Which sort of results in a 12 day fast. The problem is... I REALLY need to be able to eat solid food on Friday. It's my last day at my current job and we plan on having a "goodbye lunch". It would kind of suck ass to have to only drink orange juice at MY goodbye lunch while everyone else has a lovely feast!

Plus I made dinner plans on Friday before I realized I might not be able to eat solid food...

So I decided to start drinking orange juice on Tuesday, which will be day 9 of the fast. This way Friday will be the first day I can eat REAL food.

I'm not considering it a cop out considering that on day 9 and 10 I still can't eat food. I can only drink orange juice.

If it wasn't for the situation I probably would go for the full 12 days... at this point I know I can do it. 

Meh... 8 days on lemon/lime juice crap and 2 days on orange juice ain't too shabby in my eyes.

***IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ THIS IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN DOING THIS FAST - I have received a bunch of emails and blogtv pm's asking about this fast because they are interested in doing it. I do NOT want to give you the recipe for the juice myself because I don't want to misguide you. If this is not done properly it can be VERY dangerous. If you are really interested in doing this, please email me at denisevlogs@gmail.com. I will send you the .pdf file that you need to read in order to know how to do this right. Also, if you are under 18 I don't advise that you try this. :)

Weight Loss: 8 lbs

Hunger: Very little in the morning.

Emotions/Mental State: Fairly normal.

Daydream Food of The Day: Cold Stone's birthday cake signature creation... mmm ice cream.

Fast - Day 5 - No Thanks, I'm Not Hungry

Something amazing happened today. Something I didn't think was humanly possible. Maybe I'm dead. That would suck.

Anyway... the amazing thing was I felt NO hunger today. Seriously. The past 4 days I felt at least a little bit of hunger and had immense cravings... but today, nope. Hmm, I still had some cravings.

Well, not cravings exactly. It was different than the way I craved food the past few days. Before I would crave certain foods like I would do anything to have them. Like I NEEDED them. Today it was more like I was reminiscing over the memory of food.

How can I explain this...

Okay, this is weird, but it's the best comparison. It's kind of like when a pet dies. When my little Maltese, Crumpet, died 4 years ago I was devastated. I cried for days and missed her dearly for maybe a year. Maybe less, I can't remember. Whenever my little pup would come to mind I felt a longing to pet and play with her.

But now, 4 years later, when Crumpet comes to mind I just have nice thoughts but I don't feel a longing or a sadness. I don't NEED Crumpet anymore. It's okay now. But if she somehow came back to life I would be very happy to see her. But only if she isn't a zombie dog. What? Let's back on track...

Did I just compare food to a dead dog? Yes. Yes I did.

So initially I missed food dearly and craved for it to be in my tummy... but now it's okay. I don't hunger for it and my cravings are not driving me mad. Yet I still have the memory of food and I still look forward to when food and I can once again be together <3 src="file:///Users/Denise/Library/Caches/TemporaryItems/moz-screenshot.jpg" alt="">

Weight Loss: 6 lbs.
Hunger: None.
Emotions/Mental State: Had a little bit of trouble concentrating. But I think maybe I was just feeling done with the week and didn't want to work.
Daydream Food of The Day: Chicken marsala over bow tie pasta (as seen in the picture above). MmMmMmM :)

Fast - Day 4 - Food Association

It's the end of Day 4 and I'm kind of amazed I've made it this far. I mean, not really... because I have every intention of sticking it out till day 10. But I also know myself, and in knowing myself I know that I'm very weak when it comes to temptation. Sadly, self control is far from my strongest virtue.

For some reason this time I've been holding out well. I could easily cheat. I don't have to tell you guys. But I really didn't... and I'm amazed. I guess I'm actually trying to prove something to myself.

Today was long. It was also odd. I barely felt hungry today, but something in my body was kind of strange feeling. It's hard to describe. The only word I can think of to clarify how my body felt is rusty. I wasn't in pain or achy or anything... I just felt rusty. 

I don't know if you can imagine that. It seems like one of those things you have to experience. According to the text I have on this fast, some people notice problems with their joints. I guess that's what this was. It's supposed to be normal and okay if it happens. Normal my ass, that was weird.

I craved food less today than the other days. That was awesome. 

Something I realized about myself today; most of my cravings come from either emotional distress or association.

The emotions thing is obvious. Many people eat when they're upset, angry, stressed or whatever. 

On the other hand, the association thing was kind of odd to realize. Today I really took note of it. When I would hear a certain song (fine, fine, it's a Miley Cyrus song, damn it), I'd crave Thai food. I guess I would listen to that song as I drove to pick up Thai food on many occasions.

When I watch Lost, I crave double chocolate chip cookies. Probably because I would snack on that a lot as I watched it.

When I'm writing, I crave an ice cream sandwich. I suppose I've rewarded myself with an ice cream sandwich after writing on many occasions.

Is this a stupid realization? I don't know, maybe. I just know that without food there, I feel like I'm able to find the root of the desire for it. If I'm able to consciously realize why I'm craving something, maybe I can control myself in the future and maintain a healthier diet. Just a thought.

One more thing. I noticed that fasting seriously raises your sense of smell. I think I've mentioned this before, but it's worth mentioning again. It's kind of amazing. Sometimes I almost feel satisfied by just breathing in a yummy smelling meal... well, not really.

Weight Loss: 4lbs

Hunger: Barely hungry.

Emotions/Mental State: Normal emotions and mental state. Possibly a bit irritable, but I think it's because my day was very long and draining.

Daydream Food of The Day: Ihop breakfast special - which consists of scrambled eggs, sausage links, bacon, ham, hash browns and a stack of pancakes. Mmmmm breakfasty foods, delicious.

Fast - Day 3 - Am I Dead Yet?

Remember yesterday how I thought I would wake up feeling violently sick? And then how I thought it was silly of me to think that that could happen... yeah, I spoke too soon.

Today was bad. Real bad. Maybe it's because my friend warned me it would be the worst day. Could have been all in my head. But no, I don't think so.

I woke up feeling like a sledge hammer was grinding into my head and my stomach was sucked dry with a vacuum... with a lovely touch of nausea. But the nausea had no relief because there was NOTHING IN MY STOMACH.

I called out sick from work. Meh, it's my last two weeks there anyhow... but that's a whole different story...

After calling out I went back to sleep and slept till 11am. Which is late considering I'm up at 6am most mornings.

When I woke up I felt a lot better. There was no pain, but I felt very weak and like something was just wrong.

I was getting very nervous. Maybe this was a bad idea. What the fuck am I doing? NOT EATING FOR 10 DAYS? Who do I think I am? Gandhi??

I almost gave in. Not for the sake of cravings... because this morning for the first time in 2 days I wasn't having any cravings at all. I just feared for my health. So I almost gave in and had some cheese puffs (trader joe's). That's all I have in my apartment right now.

But then I stopped myself as I reached for the bag and asked myself the following questions:

Isn't this supposed to be a part of the process anyway? 3rd day is supposed to be killer, right? Yes.

Won't eating cheese puffs as my first meal in 2 days probably only make me feel sicker? Pretty sure.

Are you a quitter? No way jose!

So I went and made some more lemon crap juice, drank it down and told myself to stop being a little bitch, and I felt all better within 2 hours.

I'm okay now. Looking forward to tomorrow.

Dear God, if you exist, please don't let me wake up the way I woke up today. Thanks.

Weight Loss: 3 lbs since the night of day 1.
Hunger: Only slight hunger towards the end of the day.
Mind/Emotions: I was thinking "OMG I FEEL SICK".
Daydream Food of The Day: Double Chocolate Chip Cookies... mmm... yes I will be saying mmm after every daydream food. They deserve it.

Fast - Day 2 - Lemon Crap

Today was harder. Well, I guess that's pretty apparent. Two days without food would obviously be more difficult than one. Yeah.

It started out okay. Last night I feared I would wake up feeling violently sick. I don't know why I imagined that happening... I guess because I've never gone more than 4 hours without eating before. I told you, I really like food!

I was fine. Till lunch came around. I felt hungry this time. I don't think I drank enough lemon crap juice. I call it lemon "crap" juice because I'm not very fond of it and as each hour passes without food I begin to grow a personal hatred towards the juice. As if the JUICE is what keeps the food from being with me... the juice comes between me and my love! 

Um. That was weird. It was the hunger talking.

Anyway. I'm kidding, it's not that bad. I'm not THAT hungry. 

I took a nap in my car during lunch. Is that odd? I needed to distract myself from the normal lunchtime thing, plus I felt sleepy... it seemed only logical.

Yeah, so I got through day 2 fairly well. And it was a very long day requiring lots of energy. I was fairly impressed by how I held up. Yay me.

Looking forward to day 3. Well, looking forward to day 10 really. But 3 is getting there. My friend told me that tomorrow is supposed to be the worst day. Oh joy!

Weight Loss: 2lbs ... since last night.

Hunger: Pretty hungry, but manageable.

Emotions/Mental State: On and off cranky and happy. I think I didn't get enough sleep.

Daydream Food of The Day: Sprinkles cupcakes. Mmm dark chocolate cupcake... coooome to me.

Fast - Day 1 - Food Is Everywhere

Well, I made it through the first day. It wasn't so bad. This lemon juice stuff must be magic or something because I should definitely be feeling more hungry than this.

Today I learned a lot about myself and my relationship with food. Which is awesome because that's already a benefit I've gained from this. So even if I quit now (which I won't!), I'll still have learned some things about my eating habits and I'll be able to consciously change them.

The morning went by quickly. Around 12pm I was waiting for my stomach to growl... as it normally does around that time. Lunch in Hollywood is 1pm... so the entire hour of 12pm starving and on the edge of my seat. But not this time. This time I was cool.. no growl.. no glancing at the clock every 5 minutes. In fact, I accidentally stayed 10 minutes over. It was sort of refreshing.

At lunch time I distracted myself by going to the bank and taking a walk around the neighborhood. And I realized... food is EVERYWHERE. I felt like there was at least 10 different restaurants or quick snack spots on every block. And they were eating. THEY WERE ALL EATING!

Whew. But it was okay. I still didn't feel hungry. But... I craved it. I craved the action of sitting and eating. I longed for the taste of a sandwich or an Asian fusion dish or whatever the hell else I could get my hands on. I just wanted to smell, chew, taste food. But I didn't NEED it. It was weird.

Lunch passed and I was once again safe from the exposure to food.

But then... oh but then... I get a pop up from the office manager. He sent it out to the entire office.

"Everyone please come into the kitchen for Phil's birthday! Cake in the kitchen!"

Cake in the kitchen. OF COURSE there's cake in the kitchen. Why wouldn't there be cake in the kitchen on the first day of my fast?

We enter the kitchen. We sing. We laugh (well, THEY laugh). And then he cuts the cake... and he hands me a slice. I say no thanks and run the hell out of there.

As the day went on I continued to feel okay with my lack of food. But my cravings became stronger. I would fantasize about the foods I COULD be eating. I began to REALLY take note of people snacking around me.

I also realized the lack of food sort of slowed my day down. Munching on some pretzels or crackers somehow helps the time pass. Which is another lesson learned... I often eat out of boredom. But don't we all?

When I got home, I started to feel hungry. So I drank some more lemon crap juice and told myself to shut the hell up. The family next door was cooking. They were cooking fish, which normally would kind of gross me out because I hate the smell of cooking fish for some reason (even though I eat it, I don't know either). But this time it was the most beautiful smell. The most alluring smell.

Yeah... then I drank some more lemon juice.

And now I'm drinking tea.

But I made it. I made it through day one.

I still fucking hate tea.

Weight Loss: Not sure, forgot to weigh myself yesterday. Besides, this fast isn't really for that reason.
Hunger: Slight feelings of hungry. Overall not too bad.
Emotions/Mental State: I feel pretty good actually. Maybe even better than on a food filled day.
Daydream Food of The Day: Roscoe's Waffles & Chicken... mmm.

Fast!

"You're doing what?"

"I'm fasting for 10 days."

"But.. but.. why?"

So yeah. I decided to fast for 10 days starting tomorrow.

The burning question ... why? Why oh why would you give up something so beautiful such as food? I know... I'm a big fan of food as well. Especially the yummy kind... trust me.

Honestly there is no epic and amazing reason why I'm doing this. I wish there was. I wish I was some awesome person doing it for world peace or animal rights or some crap like that. But no... I'm not that that awesome person.

I'm doing it for a variety of different reasons. The health reasons behind this are almost limitless. But to summarize... it's basically a detoxification. Detoxing myself of all the craptastic foods I've been shamelessly eating all of my life.

I'm not gonna lie to you people. I'm a bad girl. A very bad girl. I eat loads of fast food, junk food, chocolate, cookies, ice cream, yum, yum, yum... yuck!

It's become like an actual problem. A real addiction. For the past few months I've been wanting to eat better and healthify myself (yes, I just made that word up... making up words is fun), but I wasn't sure how to start. I felt trapped in a bad food cycle. True, it's all in your mind and willpower... but go tell that to someone that believes they're addicted to pot. There's no physical addiction, but the mind is a powerful thing. All we know is what our mind tells us... our reality is how we see, hear and feel it.

Anyway...

A friend of mine recently underwent a fast. He went without food for 10 days straight. When he first brought it up to me I thought he was insane. But when his 10 days were complete and I saw his health improvement and glow of accomplishment, I envied him.

I'm the kind of a girl that digs a challenge. I enjoy an adventure; even if it's on a small, internal scale. So what the heck, why not give it a go?

Just so you know, it's not a TOTAL fast. And it's not a WATER fast. Those are both highly dangerous. This particular fast is called the "Master Cleanse". You drink this special lemon/lime juice made from scratch along with tea at night. But that's it. NO food. NO yum yums.

When I went to whole foods to get the ingredients for the juice yesterday, I decided to buy some chocolate ice cream as my last indulgence. As the cashier rung me up she said, "Oh I know what's going on here." And I was like, "You do!?" She responded, "Yep, one last treat before the FAST."

I was thinking how the fuck did she know that? Hippie.

Then I was like WAIT... I'M the one doing this crap. I'M the friggen hippie. Damn it.

10 days.

Starting from tomorrow.

Will I make it? Can I do it? I hope so! I've endured worse I think.

I write this as I drink my first cup tea. By the way... I fucking hate tea. And I'm not a fan of lemonade. Here we go...

Then & Now

Last night I was reflecting... and realized that Friday it will be one complete year since I moved to L.A. from N.Y. It's so odd how much things can change in just ONE year. My life is so different now. I don't feel like writing it all out in detail, so I'll just list the things that I've noticed:

One year ago I...

... was waiting tables in a divebar in Brooklyn. Now I work for an established agency in Hollywood.

... did not own a car. Borrowed my dad's 1998 ford taurus... and was still afraid of driving on the highway. Now I'm speeding daily on L.A.'s freeways... in my 1997 Nissan (nice!).

... was in love with a guy 10 yrs my senior and excited about moving to L.A. to live with him. He was "the one". Now I'm single and living in the Valley.

... actually thought writing inquiry letters to agents about my writing was the way to get my foot in the door. Now I throw away inquiry letters that are written to my boss.

... was afraid to do anything alone. Now I do almost EVERYTHING alone!

... lived in a house with my mom, dad, brother, sister, 3 cats and a dog. Now I live with a 1 cat.

... ate rice krispies every night while hanging with Sharon in the kitchen. Now Sharon lives 3000 miles away and we talk on the phone SOME nights.

... was taking jogs on ocean parkway down to brighton beach. Now I work out in an overpriced gym across the street from my job.

... was interning at The Hub Studios in Union Square. Now I have interns working for me.

... would choose between Kings Plaza, 34st, or NoHo when I needed to go clothes shopping. Now I don't have the cash to go clothes shopping.

... lived on a block. A real block. Now I live in a motel-esque type of establishment on a street that's about 9 miles long.

... still liked the taste of Coca-Cola. Now I drink Diet Sierra Mist and Sprite... soon I'm going to try to drink just water.

... thought YouTube was just a website where I could find clips to tv shows and news reports. Other than that, seemed pretty useless. Now I have a channel that I'm practically obsessed with building on.

... still asked my mom to iron my clothes when I was feeling lazy. If I feel lazy now, I pick something that doesn't need to be ironed.

... was celebrating my last night in New York at a lounge in the city with friends from all different eras of my NY life. Now I'm planning to go to a "Hot in Hollywood" tomorrow with people I've known for about 9 months... and probably vlogging from it in order to plug the red carpet interviews I will be doing in 2 weeks.

... thought I had a plan.

And more stuff. But you get the idea. OH... and one year ago I had no idea what it felt like to experience an earthquake...

Oh... So That's Why My Rent Is So Low.

I wrote this about 4 months ago... but I feel like having more than one post on my new blog :

Soooo enjoy (hopefully):

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So... today I realized I was in need of a little beauty revitalization ... meaning mani,pedi, wax.

I also needed to get some new pants shortened ... forever 21 doesn't seem to realize the majority of us are not 5'9. In fact, most clothing stores don't seem to realize that - bitches.

*I'm sure there's a tailor on this Brooklyn block.
So needing a mani, pedi, wax, and pants hemmed ... I recalled being in Brooklyn and being able to take a walk up the block (either Ave X or Sheepshead Bay, depending if I felt like walk north or south) and getting all of these errands completed within the same 20 feet. I thought to myself, "I've been living in this apt for 4 months now and I have yet to take a stroll around my neighborhood." I figured there MUST be a tailor and nail salon around here that are fairly close together, one would only assume such businesses go hand in hand. Well, someone from Brooklyn at least.

And I KNOW I've seen tailors and nail salons together in mini malls as I'm driving along these streets. Yes, mini malls. L.A. is infested with them.

I threw on some comfortable yoga pants and flip flops, grabbed my pants and the heels I plan to wear with them, and set out to explore my neighborhood.

And now I know why people don't walk here ... I also learned why my rent is so low.

I walked... and walked ... and then walked some more.

I thought to myself "where the fuck is everything and why is this block like 12 miles long?"

The streets were lonely. Only I and the bums of the neighborhood were trekking our way along ... I suppose it's better than the irritable and claustrophobic mobbed streets of N.Y. where it's a miracle to not bump into at least 10 people each time you take a walk to the corner store. Yet again, on these lonely streets a creepy old bum lady still managed to bump into me as she grumbled something about not liking tomatoes. Odd. It's a bit more comfortable to bump into a crazy lady on the busy streets of N.Y. than the empty streets of L.A. That's just my opinion.

So I continued to walk. And walk. And then ... I found ... I FOUND ........

....a gas station. They don't do manicures there. They also don't sell snapple. Snapple seems fairly scarce around here.

But not to worry - low and behold there was a tailor across the street from the gas station! Hoorah! After 20 minutes of walking I have a scrape of success!

I stood on the corner for what seemed to be way too long as I waited for the light to change so I can finally cross the friggen street and complete at least one portion of my journey.

I cross the street. I enter the tailor shop. I hand my pants over to the nice Russian lady. I step back out into the wild.

At this point it is very apparent that walking east wasn't working out very well. I take my chances and begin to head north.

My feet start to hurt. Flip flops were not the best choice for this adventure - but are quite necessary for a pedicure.

And who the fuck knew I'd be facing such treacherous trails?

I once again reach a patch of civilization. I hit the jack pot - there was a salon on each corner of this intersection. They all looked a bit underdeveloped - I decided to walk into the one with the most attractive name - right now I can't remember what it was. Something with a word like "lovely" or "delicate" or some shit like that.

I walk in and there is a woman highlighting a female customer's hair. I ask if they do manicures. She says yes but she is busy right now. I nod and leave. Of course - who expects a functioning business to have more than one worker at a time? How ridiculous of me.I try the next salon. They did not do manicures or pedicures. I ask with a slight hint of desperation in my voice if they wax eyebrows. YES - they do.

A stout, middle aged woman with an inviting smile comes out from the back, takes my hand and brings me back to where she came from. It felt a little strange walking through the salon with my hand being held as if I was a child. But whateves.

"You Armenian?" she asks me. I say no and tell her I'm Italian ... sure, I'm only half Italian, but did I care enough to explain my entire origin to her? No.

I try to tell her how I want her to wax my eyebrows. She interrupts me and says "Shhhh, I am Armenian. I do good." Then she slaps the wax on me before I could utter another word.

It hurt like a motherfucker. It doesn't always hurt like that, but it did with this lady. BUT - I have to say... she does "do good". Well done, Armenian lady, well done.

I leave and now it is time to complete the final portion of my journey - the mani pedi. I enter another salon on another corner of this intersection. I walk in and all I see is a child sitting behind a desk. I hesitated... but still asked the child if they do mani pedis. She nodded. A beat goes by as I wonder if the child herself is the one giving the mani pedis... but then of course the mother comes out from the back.

I don't know why... but there is something a little depressing about a child watching her mother give someone a pedicure. There is also something a little uncomfortable about being the only one in an awkwardly quiet salon receiving a manicure and pedicure. Especially when the child is staring at you the entire time.

Afterwards I walked the 50 miles back home.

Okay okay I'm exaggerating a little. But only a little.

There were a few more discouraging incidents that occurred on my way back - but I'm tired of typing. Let's just say I won't be wandering the neighborhood anymore. The end.

Time For A Change

Today was supposed to be "Through My Eyes Thursday" ... and I planned on reviewing "The Dark Knight"... But I just didn't feel like vlogging. I'm so tired and worn out from work. Maybe I should start recording all of my videos on the weekend and then just post them accordingly...

To sum up "The Dark Knight" - It was awesome. Amazing camera work in my opinion... dizzying at times, but I felt that was the point. And I absolutely loved that Heath Ledger's part was written so well. Yes, he did an amazing job at invoking this sick and twisted persona... as I expected... but a lot of the credit really should go to the writer. He had all of the best scenes and lines in my opinion. And no one could have delivered those lines quite like he did... so sad that we'll never get to see him bring an amazing character to life again.

Anyway.

Do you ever think of something you did like 5 years ago and then just hate yourself for having done whatever it was? I do.

In fact, I think of things I've done a few weeks ago and hate myself for it.

Actually, I probably only like myself for the present 5 minutes. Right now I'm pretty cool. But 5 minutes ago I sucked... and 5 minutes from now I will think I sucked now.

Does that make sense to you?

I'm just not very happy right now and I'm not sure why. Well, I kind of know why. I'm playing a victim to my circumstances. I sort of hate my job. I really hate my job. And I'm just kind of bored of the life I created for myself.

But I can be kind of stubborn... so it's hard for me to admit that I'm not super happy in L.A. since I convinced my parents (back in Brooklyn) that I'm soooo happy I moved here.

Not that I don't like L.A. It's fine. Lovely weather. I just don't like the boring life I'm leading. Work. Eat. Vlog. Sleep. Friends? Occasionally.

Something needs to change. I'm not sure what exactly my plan is yet... but something is changing, I assure you. I'm not the kind of girl that just sits and lets myself be unhappy. Hence the moving across the country thing. And I've been known to just randomly quit jobs because I was unhappy... I'm a big believer in striving to get what you want and what will make you happy - even if it might entail ridiculous measures.

So I'm not sure what it will be yet. Honestly, what I would LOVE to do is just be able to travel the world and randomly live in places for short periods of time as I vlog and write my little heart out. But that's not something I can really accomplish with the debt that's following me. Damn it.

But SOMETHING is going to change... so far it will be one of or a few of the following:

1 - Find a new day job.
2 - Move back to NY.
3 - Move to a different state (other than Cali and NY).
4 - Move to another country.
5 - Maybe I should try to freelance PA?
6 - Whatever else I can think of.

Hmm...