Current Location: Texas, somewhere between Houston and San Antonio ... I forgot the name of this town and I'm too lazy to get up and look at the stationary. Deal with it.
WARNING: Prepare yourself for an emo blog!
Well, not too emo... I don't think I'm capable. Gah I hate that word... emo... makes me cringe.
So...
It's 3:20am my time... well not MY time... Texas time. This time belongs to Texas. Not me. My time is 2:20am.
Anyway.
I'm laying here in bed and just staring at the ceiling. A million thoughts run through my mind. I can't fall asleep. Probably because every time I close my eyes I see streets and headlights coming at me and I jump up in a cold sweat because I feel like I fell asleep behind the wheel. Well, that's only part of the reasoning.
The entire day I've been feeling anxious and couldn't put my finger on the reason.
Was it because of the super creepy haunted tour I took of New Orleans? No... that was AWESOME! Even though it gave me nightmares... yes, yes I'm a child.
Was it because I've been pretty much completely alone for the past 3 days in a row and will continue to be alone for the next few days? Nah, being alone is fine by me.
Was it because the 7+ hrs of driving a day, forcing me to have withdrawals from my serious internet addiction? No, I don't think so... but I wouldn't doubt that it contributed.
It's because I realize my trip is coming to an end. I will be home by Friday, if not earlier. While I'm happy to be returning home to my own bed, my friends and my cat... I feel a deep sense of disappointment.
I'm not disappointed in the trip or even in the conclusion of the trip, but I'm disappointed in myself and my behavior on this trip.
Initially this trip was intended to be a "writers journey". I have not written one fucking thing.
Wait, no... I wrote YouTube videos.
I love YouTube and I love making videos. But honestly, this wasn't supposed to be a "YouTube Tour". That's what it turned into. I let it become that.
Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed meeting fellow YouTubers and making videos along the way... but where was my head!? Surely I could've found SOME time to dedicate to writing.
For God sakes, I barely even wrote in my stupid friggen blog!
I feel like a fucking moron.
The only thing that keeps me from seeing myself as a complete fail is the fact that I still have all the inspiration in me. I held onto everything I've taken in on this trip. I don't know if that makes sense to everyone that's reading this... but it only matters that it makes sense to me.
So... in order to ease my anxiety and help me feel a bit better about myself, I decided that as soon as I get back to LA I'm taking a whole week off from the internet. That means no checking mail, twitter, myspace, youtube, facebook, yatti yatti yatta.
I'm also forbidding myself from writing, shooting and editing videos for YouTube.
I'm not even going to talk to people I know from the internet on the phone. This is to insure that I won't be tempted to sign on to see something that "I just HAVE to see".
This might seem simple enough to the ordinary human being... but to me, and many people I know, this is going to be DIFFICULT.
I need to do this. I will use that week to clear my mind and get my priorities straight.
Don't miss me too much! Ha... you won't even notice :P
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3 comments:
You wanna know how William S. Burroughs wrote "Naked Lunch"?
He experienced stuff in life. Then he sat down, and wrote.
You wanna know how Ernest Hemmingway wrote "The Old Man And The Sea"?
He experienced stuff in life. Then he sat down, and wrote.
You wanna know how Robert Frost wrote all his poems?
He experienced stuff in life. Then he sat down, and wrote.
Wanna know how Toni Morrison wrote "Song Of Solomon"?
She experienced stuff in life. Then she sat down, and wrote.
Wanna know how Van Gogh did all his paintings?
He experienced stuff in life. Then he sat down and drew. Then he cut off his ear and handed it to his dumb girlfriend.
Wanna know how Orson Welles wrote the screenplay for "Citizen Kane"?
He experienced stuff in life, did his research, then he sat down, and wrote.
Wanna know how Denise is going to write the greatest material our generation has ever seen?
She went on a road trip to experience life. Then she came home, sat down, and wrote.
Hop to it. And quit regretting. Notice how nobody wrote nothing by walking around regretting.
They just freaking sat down and wrote.
Well I understand why you feel you need to do this, it will be hard not checking up with anyone for a week but I admire the perseverance. Hell, we all could maybe use a break.
That being said, I will refrain from calling/texting/messaging/Tweeting you for the next week, I hope you get things all figured out. Best of luck Ms. Vlogs.
-Ryan
Hey Denise, it's illiniry(twitter). I'd think your internet boycott would be just as difficult, if not moreso, than your crash diet. But you proved me wrong once already so we'll see what happens :) I tried the internet diet when I went to China for 10 days and I STILL could not keep myself out of whatever computer lab I could find.
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